If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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