dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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