how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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