Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize