So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she looked like the before picture.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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