Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
