friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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