party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
