4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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