Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
