my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
