I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
