drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
