I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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