I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
