Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
