so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
that is very illegal...i love you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
