Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
