this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
