what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
