My sheets look like a crime scene.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My life is pants optional.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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