I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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