2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
