new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
that is very illegal...i love you.
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