I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
