does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
