apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
