this beer tastes like vomit already
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
