Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
