You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
