I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
