I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
