god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
