you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
