dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
