I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
