You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
40s are totally the cure
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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