You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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