two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
