R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
