I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
send nudes
from the living room?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
