I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
