Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
