I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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