I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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