Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
