I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize