what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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