I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
