What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
