saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were destined to go to rehab together
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
