The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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