I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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