If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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