She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
