omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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