There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You can't special order awesome
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
